


Letters to No One

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-26
Updated: 2009-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: James learns that the best way to speak to Lilly is in letters he will never send to her. COMPLETE





	1. Sleepless Nights

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Dear Lily,

It’s one o’ clock in the morning and once again I can’t sleep for thoughts of you. You keep me awake most nights until I’m so confused, frustrated and exhausted that I have to get it all out in order to find my sanity. I know I’ll never send this letter to you, but I find it helps to clear my head, especially since my folks aren’t big on keeping pensieves in the house.

Right, so now to my point; summer is almost over now and still you won’t leave me alone. That didn’t come out right, what I mean is the thinking has gotten worse when I’m not around you. Sirius is doing his best to keep me occupied, but I don’t think he realizes just how far gone I am.

My latest is to over analyze everything that has happened between us for the past six years. Had I treated you differently would you treat me differently? I believe you would have; you’re very fair that way. I also wonder if it’s too late for us now. Again I believe this too be true and that’s what gets to me the most. I keep thinking I’ve lost you, but I know that’s not true. I never had you to start with and it’s the false starts and missteps that I regret the most.

I keep going over everything that has passed between us while I lie awake in the dark searching for sleep. I remember how scared you looked when Sirius and I tricked you into thinking you’d be running a magical gauntlet at the sorting ceremony. I should have turned back right then, repented my evil ways and begged for your forgiveness, but I was too stupid to see what I was throwing away. Then there was that time in the common room when you were doing your homework and I charmed your ink to disappear when you had finished. I know how hard you worked on that. I regret it all; all the pranks, all the harsh words, the arrogance and hounding you forever to go out with me. I know I did way more harm than good.

I can apologize forever, and sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m apologizing for. All I know is I wronged you somehow and I need to make up for that. But I also feel I need to defend myself. I need to say to you that I didn’t know what I was doing in the beginning. I know how romantic it would sound if I said that it was love at first sight for me. That the moment I saw you get onto the boats to Hogwarts that you had blinded me with your beauty, but that’s not how it happened. At 11 I was more grossed out by girls than enamored with them. You were the enemy, and by you I mean the entire gender. I only really started to notice you were attractive in fifth year and boy did it hit me! I noticed your eyes, your soft skin, the way your robes swirled around you as you moved and I wanted it. With guys it’s that simple. You appeared to be this beautiful creature to be caught and displayed so I spent the year trying to catch you and we all know how that turned out. Now not only did you find me annoying and arrogant, but you resented and hated me too. 

Sixth year I tried to be different, I really did. I tried the cool, aloof approach, I tried to befriend you, I tried to make you jealous. But the damage had already been done. Instead of wanting to be the other girls I was with, which was the desired effect, you pitied them. I can’t win with you. I always end up with egg on my face with you staring at me with that disapproving look you have perfected.

I wish I had been a different person for you Lily, but at the same time this is who I am. I know now that you deserve someone far nobler than I am. To be honest I enjoy breaking the rules, it makes me feel alive. I love Quidditch; no thrill comes close to the feeling of racing through the air at dangerously high speeds. It’s as close as I can get to really flying. I love to stare at you, because I’m positive I have never seen anything so beautiful in my life, I have memorized every inch of your face, the exact shade of your hair and that sparkle in your eyes you get when you’re happy. I would give anything to have you look at me like that. 

I would also give anything for you to give me a chance to get to know you. I don’t love you, but I’m sure I could if you let me try. Everything I’ve seen and heard you do shows me that you’re a person I really want to get to know. All I’m asking for is a chance… 

If the person I am isn’t good enough for you then I’ll accept that. I really wish you every happiness and the love you deserve, because you are without doubt, the most incredible person I gave ever met. 

Yours, 

James 


	2. Tightropes

Dear Lily,

I never intended to write a second letter, but it really did help so here comes another. I don’t know why I’m bothering, you’re never going to see them. I’m just wasting parchment and ink on defending myself in a way that will not help my cause. Yet here I am at dawn with a quill in hand and a fresh pot of ink. I got it today while I was in Diagon Alley with the guys. I never did understand the tradition of buying new stationary at the beginning of each school year, but it’s something Remus started in second year and it’s stuck. I’m rambling now, I just have so much pent up energy. 

I got the shock of my life yesterday. Along with my usual letter from school came an extra owl with the news that I had been named Head Boy. Sirius fell of the stool at the breakfast table and I completely understand why. I mean, why on God’s earth, did someone pick me to lead a school? It doesn’t make sense, I professed my love of rule breaking in my last letter, and l don’t need to tell you that I’m good at it! (a product of years of practice). My point is that I don’t see how that would have earned me this distinction, and I’m pretty sure it’s the only notable thing I’ve done my entire school career.

Sirius has gone into mourning and is lamenting the fact that the Maurders are over. I tried reminding him that Remus was a prefect last year and that hadn’t changed much, but it didn’t help. I probably shouldn’t have told you that, but what’s the point? I’ve already condemned myself, adding more fuel to the fire won’t make the result any different. 

What I’m really worried about is the fact that I have no experience doing this, leading I mean. Many people think I’m a ringleader, but really I feel Sirius runs the show. What if I completely screw this up? What if I reduce Hogwarts to cinders? Although I would probably have done that already if it could be done; another example why I don’t deserve this. I can hear Remus’ voice in my head saying that my neuroses are getting the better of me, but that’s doing nothing to calm me down. 

Dumbledore, or someone, must have faith in me, or they wouldn’t have chosen me. I really don’t want to let them down. And I don’t want to let you down. I’m positive you’re going to be Head Girl. You’re so smart and were an awesome prefect. You’ll have the Head Girl thing down pat in no time. I’m probably going to be a bumbling prat who will get nothing done and will go down in history as the worse Head ever. And what’s getting to me about that mental image is that I’ll ruin it all for you.You’ve worked so hard for this and spoiling your dream is the one thing I desperately want to avoid.

On that note I promise not to make things hard for you this year. I’ll do my absolute best to stay out of your way and I’ll even commit to attempting to keep Sirius under control, although it’s not going to be easy. I’m going to be doing enough destroying by being a terrible Head Boy to do you anymore harm by being an arse on top of it. 

Yours, 

James 


	3. Circus

Dear Lily, 

My mind has been in a spin all evening and now I’m sitting in the silence of my new Head room completely alone listening to the sounds of you raging next door. I knew this would happen and believe me it brings no satisfaction. I can’t get the image of your face when you found out I was Head boy out of my head. I swear to God, this is no prank and if it is then it has been played on me and not you. So once again I’m asking your forgiveness for something I never did and I swear I will do all that is in my power to do a good job. 

I’m still baffled by the decision and I admit more than a little hurt at your reaction. It was nothing new to be yelled at, (nor for something that I never did), but that you have no faith in me - that hurt. Although I should have seen that one coming, it still took me by surprise. You always do though. You don’t look like you should be as tough or unforgiving as you are. I hope it’s just a side of your personality that you reserve for me. Although that thought brings me no joy, I think you’re too young to be so cynical. I’ll gladly take the rage if you promise to show your joy to the rest of the world. 

You sound like you’re calming down now, that’s good. It’s disturbing listening to a temper tantrum without seeing the person who is angry at you. I guess I’m just used to you being a lot more confrontational. On a lighter note though, I must say that the summer has been very good to you, or maybe my view is just skewed from not seeing you for so long. But I do think that you looked amazing this afternoon. I must also add that jeans are definitely good for your figure. They do amazing things for your bum and you should wear them more often. I’d tell you that in person, but I’m afraid that you’d hit me or something. 

Classes start tomorrow and I am anything but enthusiastic. This year is going to be brutal. Now that I think about it I won’t have time to harass you if I was that way inclined. Between NEWTS, Quidditch, Head duty and life in general I’ll be lucky to find enough time to eat and sleep! So there you go, problem solved. Now I don’t have to worry about how I’m going to stay away from your irresistible self. It’s actually a bit of a relief. 

Yours,

James 

**AN: Please let me know what you think. All reviews will be appreciated :)**   



	4. Elephants

Dear Lily, 

Today was my first transgression and I really couldn’t help it. It’s like you hypnotize me when you look at me and turn me into a drooling mindless idiot who forgets all his completely good intentions. How do you do it? Why am I more vulnerable than anyone else? Maybe I should turn myself into a frog or something so that I’m safe from your wiles. 

Today in Transfigurations I caught sight of you while you were working. You were sitting beneath the window and a particularly beautiful sunbeam was falling on your particularly beautiful head. It turned your hair to copper and it shone like a newly minted coin. It’s truly amazing; how do you get it like that by the way? 

Anyway, I found myself thinking what it would be like to touch your hair and feel if it was really as soft as it looks and this lead me to think about what it would be like to run my hand from your hair to the soft skin on your neck, I’m guessing it’s soft anyway, it certainly looks it. This thought lead me to wondering what you would feel like to kiss and what you would taste like and this lead to me being hit on the head my Sirius because I was apparently grunting. 

Evidently putting all my good intentions into actions will be a lot harder than I thought. I live in hope that I may yet get it right. 

Yours,

James 

 

**AN: Please review and tell me what you think :)**   



	5. Tilt-a-Whirl

Dear Lily, 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ve given up telling myself that I will stop writing these, as I keep fucking up and need to apologize. But you won’t give me the time of day so instead of keeping the apologies locked inside my head I’m letting them out in the only way I know how. 

What am I apologizing for now? Well, for being a complete and utter moron as usual. First prefect meeting today (you did a stellar job by the way), and I behaved in typical old James fashion. I goofed around and generally disrupted what would otherwise have been a very well run affair. 

I don’t know why I keep acting like this. It’s like I can see what I’m doing, but have absolutely no way to stop myself. The words form and explode from my mouth before I can clamp them down; my body has a mind of its own and my brain completely switches off. I can see that look start to creep into your eyes, you know which one, the one where it’s plain that you knew all along that I was a complete imbecile and you are stuck with me another year, yet still I can’t stop it. I want to blame you for it too. All part of the voodoo that effects me whenever you’re near.I’m starting to realize now how very difficult it is for me to turn over a new leaf. All the promises and declarations I make can’t change the fact that my behavior is so ingrained in me I act without thinking.

I am a product of my own making. I wish I could be more like you. More in control of myself and my surroundings. More aware of how I effect people. I saw you today dealing with a lost first year. The girl was distraught because she was late for class and had gotten stuck in a trick staircase when it had shifted leaving her completely disorientated. You were so kind and patient. Explaining an alternative route and giving her a note for Flitwick to explain her tardiness. It struck me in that moment, that no one has even asked for my help or allowed me to offer any. That kinda hurt. 

Am I so unapproachable? Or worse, deemed so irresponsible that I can’t be trusted to guide a first year to class? Then I go and cock up the meeting like a royal arse. I guess it’s true what they say, leopards can’t change their spots…

Hang on what am I saying? Snap out of it Potter! Stop being such a twat and get on with it. You’re a Gryffindor for God’s sake, leave the defeatist bullshit for the Hufflepuffs. You can change and you will.

Great now I’ve stuffed up this letter too, but at least I feel better.

Yours, 

James 

**AN: As always please let me know what you think. I'm getting close to finishing this, but want to know that I'm on the right track. Any and all comments will be welcome! Thanks :)**   



	6. Stars

Dear Lily, 

Hallelujah, we have a break though! After weeks of working at being the soul of discretion and all round responsible guy a first year asked me for help. And I performed the task adequately! Granted he was only looking for the bathroom on the Charms floor, but I gave the correct directions and the thought of deliberately misleading him never popped into my head!

Needless to say Sirius is disgusted. He has been winging for hours that I’ve crossed over to the dark side, or the good side. I’m not really sure – it’s all a bit confusing, I suppose it depends on your orientation… Anyway the point is you would have been proud, or surprised, or reacted with less animosity, but it would have been an emotion other than pure disgust. Had you been there to witness it of course, which you weren’t. 

No matter, that shall not dampen my exhilaration on jot. It’s a step in the right direction and I’m celebrating that. I’m also celebrating having caught a glimpse of you in a towel through the crack in your door.

Now before you get started, I was not spying, nor being pervy. I simply noted the door ajar and went to close it for you, as I know how you like your privacy. As I put my hand on the door knob you walked out of the bathroom. I guess you’d just had a shower. Do you work out? Because man, you have an incredible pair of legs. Your hair was all wet and glistening, I saw stars, literally. And it’s okay to tell you this, because technically I’m not, seeing as how there is no way in hell you will ever read this. Especially not now. 

Anyway, make sure you keep the door closed. My constitution will not handle another episode like that one, so for your own safety, ‘k?

Yours, 

James 

**AN: As usual any and all reviews will be appreciated :)**   



	7. Scream

God’s Truth Woman!

What the hell did I ever do to you to deserve this blind, unadulerated hatred? A few pranks here and there and my general attitude are not good enough reason for the way you treat me. Sometime you make me so angry all I want to do is grab you by the shoulders and shake you so hard that all the bits in your brain fall into the right place! 

I really like you, and I think you’re a great person, but sometimes, Lily, you are just as much at fault as I am for the way things are between us. No, scratch that; today it is all your fault and I, for once, am blameless. I can put up with a lot of bullshit, hell, I put up with Sirius, which requires the patience of a Saint. But you! You deliberately goad me and take perverse pleasure in forcing me to lose my temper. Then you sit back and act like all you say about me is true! 

Well, let me tell you this. I may be arrogant, and I may be pig-headed and a prat. But I am not unfeeling, I am not heartless and I sure as hell do not act without cause. All the instances you keep throwing at me at examples of my ineptitude as you so politely put them, have got justifiable reason behind them. You’re just to prejudiced and ignorant to let me explain (Yes, I too can you words larger than a single syllable and have a wide and well rounded vocabulary, so don’t pull the smart shit on me! ).

And one more thing. At least I’m trying here! I’m trying to change, I’m trying to live up to my station and to mend the bridges between us, but you don’t give a shit do you? No you’re the same rash, jump-to-conclusions Lily Evans. Who never gives me the benefit of the doubt, nor takes into account any of the changes I have been making. Do you really think I would stoop so low as to pull such an elaborate prank on you? Yes, of course my recent behavioural change is part of a bigger picture just not the one you imagine. For heaven’s sake I’m not 11 anymore! 

How do I get that through to you, Lily? Just tell me that much. How do I show you that I’m not a child nor do I act like one? How do I make you see that? 

Obviously this is more a lost cause than I first thought and I’m sick of it. You hear me? I’m done! No more, the hippogrif is obviously dead and I’m not going to flog it any longer.

James 

**AN: Personally I like this chapter. It shows that James isn't perfect, has a temper and makes rash decisions like the rest of us.  Please read and review :)**


	8. Swirling Dust Sparkle Jet Stream

Dear Lily, 

I’m sitting here watching you work trying to figure out where we stand now. You’re sitting on the floor in the Head’s common room legs curled beneath you; books stacked up on the coffee table. I’m trying very hard not to look (I’m still not talking to you, after all). But in reality there is no way I can ignore you. You have been treating me differently since Halloween (aka Potter-Evans confrontation 3098). I’m not so dim-witted that I haven’t noticed. I just can’t figure out why.

I think Remus must have said something to you. I kinda wish that he hadn’t, he needs to learn to stay out of my business. But I’m also grateful if he did. At least someone’s gotten through to you. It was probably Remus. That’s the kind of person he is. He can’t let any conflict go unresolved, even if it’s not his fight. I really admire that in him. No matter how difficult the situation is, Remus is on the front line trying to sort it all out. If it wasn’t for him, Sirius and I would have killed each other a long time ago. 

You must find it hypocritical of me to stand up for my integrity against you. Especially since you think that I have no integrity at all. But I really was trying and you kept hammering and hammering against my very carefully constructed wall. Then to accuse me and Sirius of play-acting to get in everybody’s good books and that something was afoot I just snapped. I know it wasn’t even a good provocation. 

It's just that sometimes I feel like everyone thinks me a failure and a farce and to hear you say it out loud tore at me like claws. I’ve learned in the three months of this school year that I actually want to do something worthwhile while I still can. I want to leave an impression, and not because I was a naughty shit, but because people look up to me, respect me. I want to do a good job at this. 

You’ve had this strange look in your eyes for the past three weeks; a mixture of confusion and curiosity. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never gone so long giving you the cold shoulder, or what, I also don’t know what it means. You confuse me more than any other human being on this Earth. You anger be beyond reason; until I have to leave the argument before I do or say something I’ll regret (and even then I’m often too late to do that). But I’m drawn to you like a magnet. You speak to my soul and draw me in.

I think it’s your unswerving insistence to not take any of my shit. You stand your ground, and truthfully I find it intriguing. It’s no secret that I’m fatefully attracted to you, but there’s something else there too and I’m desperate to find out what it is. Maybe that’s what keeps me coming back. I already know that I can’t keep this up, that within the next few days my resolve will crack and I’ll be back to begging for your approval. It’s the James and Lily way. That’s not true it’s mostly the Lily way. 

You are too perceptive for your own good. That’s the problem; you see right through me to the very flaws that make up my personality. But you’re so obsessed with what’s wrong with me that you’re missing the good things that cover those flaws. Yes, I’m flawed, who isn’t? But I have great qualities too, and for some reason you don’t trust these. 

I just want to tell you that I see your flaws too. I see the dogmatic, I’m-always-right side, the bossy, my-way-or-the-highway side, the temper, the stubbornness. But these aren’t what I want to get to know. I want to know your compassion, your humor, your goofy, adorable clumsiness. I want to know what makes you laugh and then use it to make you laugh, I want to know what your views are on loyalty and friendship and how they measure up to mine.

I can see you’re struggling with the Transfirguration assignment and I’m going to offer my help for all the good it will do. You’re magic at Charms (forgive the pun), but Transfiguration is not your strong suit. I’ll probably be writing another angry letter as soon as you’re rejected me. 

Yours,

James 

**AN: And chapter 8 is up! Please let me know what you think, you know you want to ;)**   



	9. Blue Light Reflections

Dear Lily,

Quidditch season started today. Ravenclaw and Slytherin got the party started and things are only going to get better after that shocking performance believe you me. I know you don’t have a strong affinity for the game so I won’t bore you with tales of strategy and the finer points of practice sessions but I’m on such a buzz today I need something to calm me down, so bear with me. 

We had our first practice session today. A few new faces were added to the team but it is basically the same core group. Since becoming captain in fifth year I’ve been trying to make sure to keep a balance between experience and new blood, as a result I think we have an excellent chance at winning the cup this year (again).

It felt so good to get back on that broom I can’t even begin to describe it. I’m a city boy London born and bred (bet you didn’t know that, did you?). Anyway, what this means is that, unless visiting friends in the country, flying during the summer is pretty much out for me. Getting back on that broom was absolute heaven. It was better than booze, better than drugs, better than sex (unless the sex was with you then I’m pretty sure that would top flying)! 

I kicked off that pitch today, rose up into the air and felt all my problems just melt away. It’s true magic. Up there it’s just me, the quaffle and my broom. I’m freer up there than at any other point in my life. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this. I’m going to have to buy a house in the country when I graduate just so I can fly at least once a week if not every day.

I hear we have a family estate up north that I’ve never been to. My dad grew up there, but when he joined the Ministry he and mum moved to London. He says it made more sense being close by, even with apparition and floo networks. Don’t question me about the logic, I have never understood it. London is cool, but we’re magical and can go where we want when we please. I wouldn’t give up open space for all the galleons in Gringotts.

Still, the great thing about London is that I’m close to Sirius. He lives a few miles from us; a definite boon when he has epic fights with his mum and ends up on my doorstep in the middle of the night. It would be a lot harder for him if he lived far away (especially as he doesn’t have his apparition licence yet). I swear that boy has spent more time at my house in the last seven years than at his own in his entire life. Not that I blame him. Between you and ne his mother’s a real piece of work. I’ve always believed that hate is a pretty strong word, but it comes really close to describing what I feel for that woman.

I’ve known who Sirius was my entire life, but I didn’t meet him until our first day here. Our families didn’t move in the same circles, if you know what I mean. Since becoming Sirius’ friend I have had more encounters than I care for with that bitch, and if I ever see her again it will be too soon after what happened last year.

Anyway, on a lighter note (I hate ending these letters with a sour taste in my mouth, once was enough), I’m happy to report that our relationship seems to be on the mend, if you can call it that. You let me help you with your homework, you know that? That was a major achievement in James world. Then you laughed at my jokes! I couldn’t believe it. Insert pat on the back here. I’m not sure where this is going, but if it’s keeping us on an even keel I’ll take it. 

Yours, 

James 

**AN: And that's chapter 9. Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think of it :)**   



	10. I Burn for You

Dear Lily,

I got the answer to my previously asked question about your exercise regimes this morning. For reasons I will not disclose (not because I don’t want to, but because it is something so much bigger than just me and would lead to a lot of questions to which I can’t give you the answers), I was heading to bed this morning when I heard you heading out. 

Needless to say when the girl you have always perceived as being straight-laced and rule abiding is heading out into the freezing cold and snow at five in the morning it rather pricks one’s curiosity. I’m both ashamed and gratified to say that I followed you out. It took enormous effort to bypass my bed after the night I had, but I thought you were up to something nefarious. I had hoped to catch you in the act. Damn was I in for a shock. 

I would never have pegged you as a runner, but now that I know I’m blind-sided by how I never thought of it before. The long, long legs in such scrumptious shape, the ravenous appetite that quite literally puts Sirius to shame, the endless energy and the fact that you have never in the past six years put on any weight (besides the obvious addition on a stellar pair of hips and some nice breasts). I really should have done the math.

This was all going through my head as I watched you run laps around the lake. I was sitting on the castles front steps beneath my invisibility cloak (a nice little gift from my dad to aid in my mischief making, it’s sort of a family heirloom) watching you run around and around. 

I don’t have the first clue about running, but you looked like you do it well. So graceful and smooth; you made it look easy. You sure as hell can run circles around me. I’m an awful runner. I can run, it’s putting one foot in front of the other really quickly, but I intensely dislike it. It makes me feel like my insides are being jostled around and within minutes of starting I have cramp and stitches and a whole host of other painful maladies.

I love looking at your body especially without the restrictions of volumes of school robes. Here I am being pervy; you have an incredible body that makes me want to do all sorts of kinky things with you. I can imagine those legs wrapped around my waist, placing feather-light kisses to the long slender column of your neck. I can imagine you trailing your graceful fingers across my skin. I can imagine a whole host of other things too, but to do so is more torturous than anything else, so I won’t. Who am I kidding? I already burn at the thought of you, I yearn to reach out and touch you. You have been driving me crazy for weeks and my hormones can’t stand much more of this. 

I wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night sometimes and on more than one occasion to ruined bed sheets. I can’t even escape you in my dreams. It all seems so real, so tangible. I look at you sometimes and have to forcibly keep myself from pushing you up against a wall so you can’t escape me. The fantasy always deviates at this point, sometimes I kiss you ravenously; sometimes I do a whole lot more. It’s just the threat t of the very real bodily harm you could do to me that helps me hold myself in check.

I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that if nothing else I will discover what your kisses taste like. That promise got added to over the years, it now spans about 10 items I wanted to do with and to you in no particular order. While I still hold out hope, I realise that the chances are slimming as the end of the school year approaches. It’s the end of January already. Just five months to go and you’ll be out of my life. Maybe I should look at it from the perspective that in another five months I’ll be out of your life. No more irritating Potter to annoy you to within an inch of committing murder. But hope still glimmers on the horizon. Our new found friendship, though still delicate, gives me hope.

I treasure each civil conversation. Hell, who am I kidding, I treasure each hello, each friendly smile. You really have no idea what it does to my insides when I’m the recipient of one of your smiles. Sometimes I fear my heart will break out of my ribcage it races so fast! 

I’m starting to learn each of your smiles by heart. You have shy smiles, friendly smiles, proud cat-who-got-the cream smiles, and mega-watt pure joy smiles. They are each so different, so beautiful. It makes me wonder what your satisfied, just-been-gloriously-shagged smile will look like.

I know I must seem really lusty today, and in truth I am. That’s what an hour of watching you run in very short shorts and a belly baring top (do you cast warming charms on yourself or is all the heat from the run?) can do. You were glistening with sweat when you finished. It was running down your neck and shoulders and disappearing into the neckline of that top. I’ve never seen anything so sexy in my life. I found myself wishing I was the droplet of sweat so effortlessly gliding down to bury myself in your cleavage. 

I followed you back up to the Head’s rooms when you had done. That’s where I am now, writing this. I can hear the shower running and I have a very good idea of what’s inside. What I haven’t seen for myself my mind is supplying in brilliant detail. I think I’m going to have to take a cold shower when I’ve finished this. 

As I’m finishing this up, I just want you to know one thing. While I’m desperate to shag you at this point in time, please believe me when I say that that’s not all I want from you. I want you to be mine, body, heart and soul and never more so than right at this moment. 

Yours,

James 

**AN: Lusty James today ;). A bit different I know, but he's a guy and 17 and full of hormones. I think it fits. Tell me what you think :)**   



	11. Stepping Down

Dearest Lily, 

This will be my last letter to you. Potter-Evans Confrontation 3099 happened last night. I pushed the boundaries of our new found friendship and you snapped. Just like that we slipped straight back into the old habit of shouting hurtful words and widening that chasm between us even more. 

Damn it, all I did was tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. To be honest I did forget myself. But it was so tempting I couldn’t help it. That spell crept over me and my hand reached up of its own volition to touch the silky strand brushing temptingly against your nape. It was self preservation really. I couldn’t take one more minute of what the sight was doing to my already strained hormones. 

I realised when I got back to my room after the dust had settled that I can’t keep doing this to myself. I never thought of myself as having masochistic tendencies until this morning when you came to apologise for over reacting. I knew in that moment that this had to stop, because if I let myself I would allow it to happen over and over and over again. A never ending whirlwind of spite, malice, delicious temptation, harmony and pain. 

I know this must sound out of the blue, especially after my last letter, but that's one of the reasons I feel I have to distance myself from you. I could so easily become a ddicted to you and in my mind I already feel the lines between fantasy and reality beginning to blur. One day I will do something really stupid that will ruin this friendship all together and I don't think I would be able to handle that.   


So this is me being the grown up. Surprised, aren’t you? You are my drug Lily Evans. That one vice I will find almost impossible to give up, more addictive than opium and sending me on a bigger trip than cocaine. So I need to shut this down now before the bug really bites. Because what I’ve found now is that if we get any closer than the uneasy friendship we have managed to cultivate I will truly be lost. 

I guess you always knew that, didn’t you? For six year’s you’ve kept me at arms’ length. This was the reason, wasn’t it? to stop both of us from getting swept up into this vicious cycle. It’s amazing, even if I’m not arguing with you, you’re always right. How do you do it? The power of woman I suppose. 

I was right when I said in my first letter that I thought I could love you if you let me in. This little experiment has proved beyond a doubt that I'm on the knife's edge here. At the risk of sounding like a complete sap, I feel an undeniable pull on my heart to give into you. This is what I'm fighting: losing myself to you. Not because I don't want to, but because you don't. That's another thing this experiement has shown, all you have to offer me is friendship.   


This road I am embarking on is going to be painful, it’s going to be hard, but I know one thing. It’s the right thing to do and that will keep me from straying. I wish you all the best in life, and thank you for the opportunity to become your friend. 

You see, I was right too. I knew this would be incredible. I knew what kind of person you were from the beginning. And this is the most important part: I will never regret anything in my life that brought me closer to you. 

Yours forever, 

James 

**AN: This is the third last chapter. I've already written the last two and am sad it's coming to an end. Please read and review, your comments make my day :)**


	12. Hide and Seek

The sun shone through the tall lead glass windows of the library. Lily Evans sighed as an errant breeze wafted through and lifted the strands of hair that had escaped from her ponytail. They drifted lazily tickling the side of her face. Lily sighed and closed the book. She was trying to study for her final exams. The last true test of Hogwarts, but her brain refused to cooperate.

The sunlight sparkled on the glass throwing beautiful patterns that shifted mesmerizingly on the hard wood floors of the large hall. The wind brought with it the smell of spring grass and care free days. But while they tempted her the burgeoning spring delights plunged her deeper into a melancholy mood.

Everything was happening too fast now. The downward run to the end of the school year felt almost out of control, adding to the turmoil in her mind. She was changed somehow this year, and she had a sneaking suspicion she knew the cause, but her brain railed against the thought. She drew a deep breath and opened her book once more forcing her mind to read and comprehend.

The sound of chairs shifting brought her head up to look into the faces of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black sitting across the table from her. Lily blinked at their sudden arrival. “Can I help you two?” she asked politely. She was too unsettled to search for her usual animosity.

“Yes, you can sit there and keep quiet for a while,” said Black in an almost sharp tone. Lily blinked taken aback. 

“What the ignoramus means to say, Lily, is that we have something very important to talk to you about,” Remus said gently laying his hand on hers. 

“Can I ask what about?” Lily questioned feeling her defenses begin to rise.

“This is an intervention of sorts,” said Black. “I’m not going to pretend that you and I have some issues that will not be sorted out in one sitting, but I’m willing to put those aside for the love and well being of a very good friend.” 

Lily was completely lost. What was going on? She looked from Remus to Sirius and back again. Black was angry with her! Why? She wracked her mind, but couldn’t think of anything that had happened recently to justify the emotion. In fact the whole Marauders gang had been pretty much ignoring her for weeks; even Remus and especially James. She quickly changed the subject in her mind. She still couldn’t understand the sudden change in James, or the fact that it, quite frankly, bothered her. 

Remus rested his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and said gently: “Easy mate, take it easy.” Sirius took a deep breath and scrubbed his hand over his face with a small nod. He looked back at Lily with an intense unreadable expression. “We think you and James need to get over yourselves,” he said in a flat, emotionless tone. “Enough is enough already, this is effecting everyone.”

“You lost me when you sat down, Sirius,” she said looking at him utterly confused. This had to do with James?

“You know that’s the first time in six years you’ve used my name?” Sirius asked frowning at her.

“I’m sorry?” Lily ventured, wondering how that had offended him.Sirius continued to stare making her shift uneasily in her chair. 

Remus looked on before heaving a heavy sigh. “You just don’t see it do you?” he asked.

“See what?” Lily countered.

“The way he looks at you.” This came from Sirius in a voice so soft she thought she had miss heard him. She whipped her head back to look at him, her gaze clashing with his. They stared at each other for many slow moments. The air in the library grew thick with unspoken words and half formed thoughts.

Finally Sirius nodded and stood from the table. “You need to come with me,” he stated simply. Lily looked back at Remus who nodded slightly before he stood and moved to help her from her chair. 

Dumbfounded she followed the pair out of the library. They turned up the stairs and took her to the Head’s apartment. Lily was even more confused as she stood outside the door with two people she hardly knew; two people who were notorious for the pranks they pulled. Suspicion prickled at her skin. She began to have second thoughts about the situation when Black spoke.

“Well?” he prompted. Lily looked at him. He raised his eyebrows. “Aren’t you going to let us in?” Blushing Lily muttered the password and lead the way inside. She faced the pair with narrowed eyes; waiting for the punch line that was sure to come “Wait here,” Sirius commanded before he climbed the stairs to James’ room two at a time. 

Where was James? She wondered silently as she put her books and bag down on one of the old couches. He’d been disappearing a lot lately she had hardly seen him in two months.

Sirius returned shortly with a very simple if raggedy looking shoe box. He handed it to her. Lily reached out and took the box. It felt dusty and rough beneath her fingertips. She stared at it for a while before looking at Sirius in more confusion. What was going on? Where did the trick come in? 

Sirius gazed at the box as if steeling himself up to something. His whole body radiated tension; he seemed to force his hands to drop to his sides. “This goes against everything I believe in,” he said. “But you have to know.” He turned on his heel heading for the door. At the portal he turned back to look at her.

Lily’s breath caught in her throat. He had never looked at her like that before. She stared back then watched him open the door and disappear through it. She turned to Remus. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“My suggestion would be to go find a nice quiet place to open it,” he smiled tiredly. He really didn’t look good. “You’re a good girl, Lily but sometimes you’re just the dumbest smart person I know.” He raised his hand to her shoulder giving her a small squeeze. Then he too left mumbling something about counselling Sirius. 

Lily stared at the box for a long moment before she headed up the stairs to her bedroom. She sat on her bed and stared again. Her heart was racing, her palms sweaty. She couldn’t believe how afraid she was of what she would find inside. She reached out a shaky hand and eased the lid off. Nothing happened. 

Taking a deep breath Lily thought so far, so good. She pulled the box closer so she could see inside. It was filled with parchment. Her brows knitted in confusion. She gently lifted a neatly folded piece out. It felt familiar to the touch, standard issue school parchment. 

Trembling she unfolded in and smoothed the piece out on the counterpane. She scanned the strong scrawl quickly before she froze. Her eyes flew up to the top of the page. There is was in black ink, her name. Slowly this time she reread the words her heart clenching in her chest. 

_Dear Lily, It’s one o’ clock in the morning and once again I can’t sleep for thoughts of you. You keep me awake most nights until I’m so confused, frustrated and exhausted that I have to get it all out in order to find my sanity. I know I’ll never send this letter to you, but I find it helps to clear my head, especially since my folks aren’t big on keeping pensieves in the house._

_Right, so now to my point; summer is almost over now and still you won’t leave me alone. That didn’t come out right, what I mean is the thinking has gotten worse when I’m not around you. Sirius is doing his best to keep me occupied, but I don’t think he realizes just how far gone I am. My latest is to over analyze everything that has happened between us for the past six years. Had I treated you differently would you treat me differently? I believe you would have; you’re very fair that way. I also wonder if it’s too late for us now. Again I believe this to be true and that’s what gets to me the most. I keep thinking I’ve lost you, but I know that’s not true. I never had you to start with and it’s the false starts and missteps that I regret the most._

Tears began to form in Lily’s eyes. She finished the letter and set it gently aside before reaching for another. Her heart leapt at the words, racing faster than she could ever remember. She marveled at the easy flow of the uncensored thoughts; raw emotion without the hampering of judgement and consequence to weigh them down. His feelings were all there in black and white. She was reading secret love letters from James Potter!

She laughed at his silliness: _It’s disturbing listening to a temper tantrum without seeing the person who is angry at you._

Blushed at his spot-on accusations: _No, you’re the same rash, jump-to-conclusions Lily Evans. Who never gives me the benefit of the doubt, nor takes into account any of the changes I have been making._

But most of all she wept at his sincerity and her own stupidity: _I was right when I said in my first letter that I thought I could love you if you let me in. This little experiment has proved beyond a doubt that I'm on the knife's edge here._

Page after page she read driven by compulsion. She couldn’t stop until the last letter lay on her lap. It tore at her heart to read the scripted heart break of someone she never made the effort to get to know, but who knew her far better than anyone she’d met. She couldn’t take her eyes from the pages.

She lay the last sheet down on top of the others her mind crystal with a clarity she had never experienced before, her stomach heavy with regret. It all lay there on her bed. All the feelings he’d kept inside because she wouldn’t allow him to let them out, the gentleness she had never allowed herself to see. The compassion and loyalty he felt for his friends, his naughty-boy sense of humour, his undeniable sensuality; their story lay word for word at her feet and she didn’t like the ending.She closed her eyes as the tears coursed down her cheeks. They felt white-hot with shame, loss. She choked on her sobs.

Downs stairs she heard the door close and slow footsteps make their way across the room. She leapt off the bed and flew to the door. Her feet were carrying her swiftly down the stairs before she had any idea what to do next. She got down stairs just as James had reached the stairs across the common room leading to his bedroom. He turned when he heard the noise behind him. 

“Hey,” he said when he saw her. “I was just going to get changed before dinner and the prefect’s meeting.” He indicated to the stairs with his head. Lily just looked at him suddenly unsure of what to do, what to say.

“Last one,” he said filling the air with empty words after the poignancy of what she had just spent an hour reading. Her heart broke that she had driven him to this. It killed her that he was giving up on her. Suddenly she was filled with determination. Determination to change the ending to their story. 

Nothing was written in stone, a sheaf of letters had just proved that to her. She realised was Remus and Sirius had been getting at earlier. The next step was up to her; the pen was in her hand, so to speak. 

He ran his hand through his hair. “You ready to say goodbye?” Lily shook her head. She definitely didn’t want to say goodbye. She walked forward slowly eyes drinking in the sight of him. Her throat felt constricted, her mouth was dry.

James looked uneasy now. He took in her face in the light, seeing the redness in her eyes, the dried tears on her cheeks. “Hey,” he said gently. “Are you okay?”

Lily shook her head and threw herself into his arms. She couldn’t get the words out so she just clung to him, holding on as tightly as she could. She felt him still, could imaging to look of complete shock in his face. She had never voluntarily touched him before. 

Slowly his body began to relax, then his arms wrapped around her gathering her close to him. Lily started to cry again from how good it felt to be held by him. She took a deep calming breath and let go. She let go of the confusion, the hurt, the aggression. Let go of a grudge she had been holding for six years. It left her feeling weak, the fight had finally gone out of her. 

She still couldn’t get her head around how she could have misjudged him so badly. Her conscience pricked at this thought, remembering the dark mood she had been in for weeks because she thought he was ignoring her. She remember the slight fluttering that would start in the pit of her stomach when he smiled a greeting at her, the softening that had been occurring to her heart as she watched him handle the first years, direct prefect meetings, conduct patrols and show his natural leadership talents. Lily felt the heat rise up into her cheeks when she realised that he had been right in so many ways about her. He had her personality pegged so perfectly it was scary. 

James rubbed her back gently and rested his cheek on her hair as he waited for her sobs to subside. He was mumbling nonsense words about how it was all going to be alright and in that moment Lily knew that it would be. She slowly raised her head back to she could look at him. Her eyes searched his soulful, hazel ones.

“You okay?” he asked gently. His eyes showed confusion, but something else lay beneath the bafflement. Lily smiled when she saw it. She nodded her head. Something shifted in James’ gaze. He lowered his head slightly, his gaze on her lips, then he seemed to think better of it and began to pull away.

She made the decision in an instant. She reached up on her toes to set her lips against his in a tentative kiss. James pulled back slightly after that initial touch, shock written clearly on his face. Lily froze hoping to God she hadn’t misread the situation. He searched her eyes then raised his hands to frame her face. For a moment they just gazed at each other.

The next kissed happened in an instant. When asked later Lily wouldn’t be able to tell who made the first move. All she was aware of was the feeling of his lips firming against hers, the speeding up of her heartbeat and the feeling of belonging that she found in James’ arms. 

**AN: Just to clear up any confusion that may occur, this chapter is written in a different style in order to bring Lily into the story. I thought a little piece from her perspective would help her to defend herself a little bit for being such a twit :). Once again, please review and let me know what you think :)**


	13. Mrs Potter's Lullaby

James felt himself ease into consciousness as the world re-exerted itself on him piece by piece. The first was the feeling of warmth generated by the bed sheets, the next were the birds that sang outside his window. He opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. 

  
A bright shaft of sunshine cut across the room. Dust swirled lazily in the beam, occasionally glinting as the specks performed their dance. His eyes travelled to the picture window showing off the miles of rolling country side. Smiling to himself he sat up in bed and continued his survey. His eyes took in the dark wood furniture and white linens. On the back of the wardrobe he spotted his dress robes hanging neatly pressed and ready to don. His smile grew. 

  
Stretching lazily he leant against the pillows and indulged in the feeling of sheer happiness that radiated his heart. He felt incredible, better than incredible; he felt as if all his dreams had come true, and they had. He pushed aside the duvet and climbed out of bed. He was mid stretch when he spotted it. A simple white envelop propped up against a book on the night stand. 

  
He lifted the envelope and gazed at the carefully scripted name: James. His smile grew. He slipped his finger beneath the seal and slowly pulled the folded parchment out. He sat back down on the bed and began to read. 

  
_Dearest James,_

_  
I woke up this morning feeling the most incredible happiness I couldn’t keep it inside. I wanted to run up to your room, shake you awake and kiss you within an inch of your life. But you know I’m superstitious and they say its bad luck for the bride to see the groom on her wedding day._

_  
I sat pondering this problem trying for a solution when it struck me. Despite how our story started I’ve never written you a letter. What better time to start than today? So here goes:_

_  
I don’t know if I ever told you how much the words in the letters meant to me?  I telling you the effect they had on me I have to reveal a secret I’ve been keeping from you.  The day I first read them was not when you finally told me they existed (although I couldn’t have asked for a better anniversary present), I’d read them before. In fact, it was the day of our first kiss. I was accosted by Sirius that afternoon staging, as he put it, an intervention. He gave them to me and I’m so grateful he did; those letters opening my eyes to what an incredible man you were._

_  
I must be honest, my feelings were starting to change before Sirius stepped in, but I fear it would have taken me much longer to work through my incredible stupidity if I hadn’t gotten them that day. I have never felt so many emotions at once in my life. I felt like I would explode from it. I would love to say that I knew it was all there before, and maybe on a subliminal level I did know, but I never allowed myself to see it._

_  
I gained the understanding of your character I was so desperately looking for that day. I saw the love of flying as a true thrill, not a need to show off. I saw the rule breaking as a bonding experience with your friends, and I saw those friends as an extension of you. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you’re incomplete without them. I just know that without them you would not be who you are. It was through them that I saw your compassion and generosity of spirit._

_  
Now it sounds as if the letters are the only reason we’re together, but that’s not true at all. They were just the catalyst that prodded me into action. I had been stalling for weeks trying to find out why you were so distant all of a sudden. I had wanted to walk up to you and yell “Potter, what the bloody hell is your problem?” Probably not the best way to go, but it was the only way I knew how with you. Every time I got close to saying something I lost my nerve. You see that apology I gave the day after the hair incident (aka Potter-Evans confrontation 3099), that was my idea of a peace offering and the reject I perceived you gave me hurt deeper than I cared to admit. But by then I was addicted to ‘new’ James Potter. I couldn’t stop thinking about you._

_  
I almost lost my nerve again that day in the common room. If it wasn’t for the clear compassion I could see in your eyes I don’t think I would have thrown myself at you, literally. Thinking of that day brings that first kiss to mind. That was the most delicious experience of my life! (Well, it’s tied with the first time we made love.) I still get chills just thinking about it._

__  
I know life since that day hasn’t always been sunshine and roses, and I know that life to come won’t always be either. But I promise to let no misunderstandings come between us. I promise that I will always be beside you through whatever is to come.  
You were right when you wrote that I didn’t trust your good points, but it wasn’t you I didn’t trust. It was me and what would happen if I let you in. Horrendous I know, but I felt that I would lose myself. What I didn’t anticipate was that you would turn me into the best possible version of who I could be. I am what I am, as happy as I am and as in love as I am today because of you. That joy you so wanted to see can hardly be contained because of you. I have such hope for the future, for children and growing old together in this house because of you. And I want to thank you for that. 

_  
I’m not nearly as eloquent as you are, and this letter pales in comparison to yours, but I have just one last thing left to say. I am, wholeheartedly, unequivocally and irreversibly yours: heart, body and soul. I am so in love with you and I cannot wait to marry you and to ride into the sunset on that broomstick of yours!_

_  
I love you with everything I am._

_  
Yours forever,_

__  
Lily  
  



End file.
